An Intergenerational Sisterhood

Sister Cor Immaculatum Heffernan, IHM:

Eleven years ago, Lisa and I co-wrote an article for Journey. The topic was: New Grass: Visiting and Journeying. There was a newness in our 10-year relationship, a sense of being with, accompanying, sharing…the reality of being generations apart, fifty years of difference in age, experiences, and decisions… and the realization that unity was the tie that bound us together in friendship, reverence, and joy.

My own experiences in sisterhood began with an awe and reverence for the IHM sisters by whom I was taught and with whom I have lived and taught. These were the pioneers and trailblazers who responded to the poor, to women in need, to the uneducated and vulnerable. Those sisters, who are now our prayer ministers at Our Lady of Peace Residence, continue to inspire me. Today, it is with reverence and openness that I interact with our younger sisters who are already living with a world vision, shoulder-to-shoulder with diverse ethnic, cultural, and aging populations.

With each generation, I am walking on “blades of new and old grass.”

A field of grass,
Never still, never silent,
Responding as one being to wind and weather,
Rippling in breezes, dancing in rain,
Changing each moment in its fervent march
To ripened maturity.

In the spring new bright green velvet
Covers hillsides,                                                                     
Undulating in capricious spring breezes,
Laying flat to reveal the shining silk beneath
And cast with showers of clouds moving quickly
Over hillside and valley;

In June, tall and deep green
With eager pale seed heads Standing tall and youthful,
Dancing carelessly in storm winds and evening breezes;

In the amber of late summer
Under the relentless faded August sun,
It stands in simple primitive beauty
At the moment of its ripe maturity,
Whispering in anticipation
Of the end of its journey.

This poem “Field of Grass” by Bernadette Kazmarski beautifully expands on Sister Davida Sullivan’s “The New Grass,”adding the life spans of both nature and people. It paints a vivid picture of living, growing, suffering, rejoicing, dancing, maturing together in shared sisterhood…living and “whispering in anticipation” of oneness in the God who has loved each one of us uniquely and unconditionally from before the foundation of the world.

Sister Lisa Perkowski, IHM:

Recently for a middle school service-learning activity, I suggested that we divide the sixth-grade students and send them to visit an assisted living facility and a day center for adults with special needs. During the reflection time after their experience, I asked each group to verbalize a takeaway, and a student answered, “I realized that I can be friends with people of any age.” Living in an intergenerational sisterhood has taught me over many years what this child discovered in two hours.

As a younger woman interrelating with a disproportionate number of older women, early on, I felt self-conscious going out with my sisters. One time when my IHM Sisters came to see an exhibit, I overheard a couple of women snicker, “Those must be nuns over there.” At that point, I felt belittled yet protective, as this was my lived reality.

Growing older myself may have dispelled that self-consciousness, but I believe it’s the development of intergenerational relationships that have, themselves, grown into a stage of mutual care that defies ageism. Here are some examples of the experiential shifts that dismantled my biases.

1. In an intergenerational setting, cherish the present moment. For years, I wasted energy on excessive worry over the fear of when my older sister-friends might die. Because they were such dear companions, the thought of having to go through most of my adulthood without them elicited the anticipation of grief. Until one day, when a younger sister in another community died and I watched her older sisters grieve, my perspective shifted.
2. There are no age boundaries for late-night owls! The friends I’ve counted on to receive my 9:30-10:30 pm phone calls are those double my age. Some of our most honest and empathic conversations were late-night. They’ve even called me when I’ve been under the covers before them!
3. Enjoy activities that are intergenerationally inclusive. Instead of focusing on what activities my older sister-friends can’t or won’t enjoy doing with me (e.g. paddle-boarding), I’ve learned to enjoy the activities we’re mutually able to appreciate: cooking or dining together, going on low-incline nature walks, seeing a movie, crying at the climax and denouement of each “Call the Midwife” plot, and playing card games together.
4. Exchange stories. In an intergenerational sisterhood, telling about each other’s childhoods and family experiences is self-revealing and builds relational understanding. Storytelling is conducive to active listening and shared journeying. I’ve been blessed to have sister-friends who’ve shared painful and adverse experiences in their lives because, as more has “happened” to me with time, I can recall stories they’ve told and identify with their experiences retroactively. Knowing that they’d understand my experience gives me consolation.
5. Sisters’ spirits transcend time–stay attuned to the gift of each other’s personalities, spiritualities, and emotional lives. Wrinkles may grow and deepen over time, but in an intergenerational sisterhood, I have recognized that our passion for mission, shared faith, emotional experiences, and patterns of thinking deepen more. Even friends with neurodegenerative changes have the capacity to connect emotionally and spiritually through conversation and attending Mass together. If we are really attuned, we will notice the courage and humility drawn out of them by such interactive engagement. This is an inspiration for growing old.

An intergenerational sisterhood reveals that hurt relationships end with forgiveness and unconditional love. There have been times that an older sister gave advice when what I really needed was empathy. There have been times of misunderstanding. Confronting a sister about her cognitive changes initially resulted in defensiveness. Living in community, we grapple with the tension of sisters’ different needs depending on the demands of ministries, health, etc. In all of these instances, honest communication and compassion—both self-compassion and compassion for the other—help us to reconcile hurts and renegotiate living expectations.

Friendship requires gentleness and vulnerability to walk on each other’s blades of green. 

Sister Cor serves as a freelance artist and consultant and also as a spiritual and retreat director.

Sister Lisa serves as the director of mission and ministry at the Academy of the Holy Names in Tampa, Florida.

About the artwork above: Visitation at Wood, 2013 is an oil painting on canvas, measuring 40” x 28” by Lisa M. Perkowski, IHM. The piece is part of a body of work based on personal narrative of her spiritual journey and produced while working on her Master of the Arts in Art Education. Interested in the dialogue between photography and painting, she staged photography references based on experiences in prayer, in nature, and in relationship with others—at times making a biblical reference. This piece alludes to Mary’s visitation with her cousin Elizabeth, a modern interpretation of that poignant moment depicted by numerous master painters—an empathetic, joyful, greeting between kinswomen of different generations graced by the providence of God and power of the Holy Spirit. As one can see, Cor and Lisa were the models for the photography references.